IS THIS HEAVEN?

For those of you who haven't a) been to Iowa or b) seen the hit movie Field of Dreams, the answer is always, always, always, "YES!" [Said resoundingly and ideally punctuated with some form of fistpump.] Warren was skeptical. But that was before we went to "Southern Iowa's largest cheese factory" and watched a whole lot of cheese curd being ferried along things that resembled moving sidewalks, the kind at airports (and the kind I'd like to see flanking city streets).
The brochure said that this place uses something like 2 million pounds of milk to produce 200,000 pounds of cheese. DAILY. This seems totally impossible but, and this is why I love Iowa, it IS possible. We did the math. Well, Warren did the math because I'm still iffy on things like long division. Nicki still didn't believe us but we presented her with the cold hard facts and they were pretty hard to ignore. I thought this was enough proof of Iowa's divine qualities (miracles being done DAILY at this cheese factory) but apparently it was not.

We decided that a bulk foods run must be made. There's all these Amish and Mennonite markets around Iowa, especially in Kalona and Amana. It's nice becuase you see old fashioned types driving horse and buggies and speaking German to each other. Also, at these markets you can get things like mini whisks, used sunglasses, wallets, and hobby horses. But bulk foods is what we came for so after one last longing look at the mini whisk, we bought our cornmeal and tapioca. Next time, mini whisk, next time.

Kendra's amazing guidebook Oddball Iowa said that there was a Lover's Swinging Bridge somewhere in the near vicinity. It also said that it had collapsed several times (once taking a pair of lovers into the ravine with it--they survived) and yet people still insist on rebuilding it AND using it. It's made out what appear to be barrels, wires, and rotting slats of wood. Also, it's THE hooligan destination in SE Iowa. We saw a few of them leaning against things smoking and insolently staring at us while drawing their hoodies closer around their ears. This bridge is pretty fantastic. It looks like the bridges that are used in action movies where there's a chase and the hero runs across the bridge and then the enemy CUTS the ropes so that the hero on the bridge goes sailing right into the cliff. (I got all these pictures from the Internet. It wasn't this lush.)
By this time Warren was beginning to see the light. But I could still see some hesitation in his eyes. "Is this heaven?" I would ask. He'd still pause before saying, "YES!" [Not actual dialogue.] But I still wanted that imagined pause gone. So on to Oakland cemetery to visit the NON VIRGIN ANGEL DUN DUN DUUUUN! This is just a big statue of an angel that apparently curses "non virgins" and "sluts" (somehow the two are correlated) with death. This happens if a "non virgin" or "slut" kisses the angel. It gets blacker every year because it sucks in all the slutty souls. You can also tempt death if you kiss someone in her presence or even just look into her eyes. Pretty intense.
It turns out that Oakland Cemetery is pretty big. Also that it becomes a swamp around this time of year with the snow melting and killer rain storms. Not such a good scene for flip flops. But we found her. We were about to tempt death when a mini van pulled up with some more tourists. Just more proof that Iowa, even in the dead of winter, is hoppin'!

Finally it was off to Riverside, Iowa, which is not (as one would assume) located on or beside a river. There is a casino there, though. Riverside is amazing for many reasons, but mostly because in 1984 City Council voted and unanimously agreed that the town should claim Captain Kirk for itself:
Yes, that's right. Riverside, Iowa is the future birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk from the hit TV series Star Trek. This sign is literally behind a small yellow house/beauty parlor. There's also a sign for Captain Kirk's future conception place, which will apparently be underneath the pool table at the local pub, Murphy's. The best part about all this Captain Kirk mania is that it expresses itself in something called Trek Fest, which is a basically a demo derby/rodeo the town holds annually to celebrate the rapidly approaching birth (only 200+ more years)! This is when they bust out their--I kid you not--STARSHIP ENTERPRISE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right??? I hope the old guy comes with it. This Starship Enterprise is usually mounted in front of the museum. It is currently under rennovations so that its lights and smoke (jet propulsion) will be in full working order come that last weekend in June. To celebrate the end of our first year, Kendra has promised to take us for a spin in the Enterprise (she has some connections.) My friends, if this hasn't sufficiently blown your mind about the majesty and magic of Iowa, I just don't know what else to tell you. Oh yeah, I do: there's also a Mule Cemetery. Bam. Warren is also especially looking forward to meeting the guy who runs the clock museum, mostly because the guy has a killer beard. Sometimes that's all it takes.