Lobster Bisque, Please!

I'm just curious as to when we, as a general human body, decided that it was okay to eat these things:



But even if they look like minor aliens from a sci-fi movie, I know that I will consume a great deal of them if I end up at Maine--solely due to the vaulted, picturesque New England I have going on in my head. Because that's what they do in Maine. Eat rare blue lobsters.

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INCH OR CENTIMETER: HOW I SPEND THE DAY AT THE LOTIONS SHOP

I play this game at the lotions shop called “Inch or Centimeter.” It is about as fun as it sounds. Basically what happens is this: I walk around the shop, which is exactly the size of an oversized Twister mat, and try to see which product has been moved—this is especially fun to play after a customer has left the store. If the product has been moved, I move it back to its original place. THISISSOFUN! I try to repeat to myself as I make the rounds—SO-INCREDIBLY-FUN-LUNCH-WILL-BE-HERE-ANY-MINUTE!!! 

Unfortunately those are all bitter lies. The game takes me—even after a good customer who’s taken products to and fro, left soiled cotton balls and Q-tips in his or her wake—a measly 5 minutes to complete. So mostly what I do is move the misplaced product to the right place on the wrong shelf and watch my manager scurry about trying to fix my delinquent product placement.

Let me break down the store for you to give a better visual image (this way you too can join in the fun!) There are 17 units with 5 shelves each; each unit is categorized by scent, each shelf is categorized by function. Shampoos must always come before conditioners, just as body washes must always come before lotions. In no way can an exfoliant ever justify being placed before a moisturizer. And candles? Well, they cannot so much as look at a body or face product, much less sit on the same shelf as them. I know, it’s product prejudice at its worst.

Once, when packing a gift box for a client, I accidentally put the lotion in before the body wash. My manager swooped down like a hawk protecting its firstborn chick to repair. As he tore off my beautifully folded, crimped, and taped tissue paper work he whispered low and out of the corner of his mouth so as not to make the customer feel uncomfortable. It was extremely uncomfortable. He explained that “company protocol” demands that a sales associate pack gift boxes, stock shelves, and/or create compositions in the order in which each product is used. This is the same “company protocol” that demands that I spend 2-3 hours of a given day either removing raffia ties from cellophane-wrapped compositions and retying them with navy ribbon or vice versa. Two to three hours.

But I digress. “Inch or Centimeter” gets better, especially when there is a long streak where no customer comes into the store like, say, between the hours of 1:30 and 6:30 on a Tuesday afternoon. This is when I walk around the store and move each and every product on each and every shelf an inch or centimeter to the right. When I get to the end of the units, I go back and move each and every product on each and every shelf an inch or centimeter to the left. I’m obviously a very busy and in demand person, and very popular on top of all of that. 

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Things I Know About Narwhals Thanks to Wikipedia*

1. "Narwhal" in olden days language meant "corpse" 

2. You can call a narwhal "moon whale" and not get the cold shoulder

3. Narwhals are like beluga whales, which are friendly whales that have an entire song dedicated to them thanks to Raffi

4. Olden days people often passed narwhal horns (totally legit) off as unicorn horns (fantastical appendage)

5. The purpose of the horns is widely debated; some scientists maintain that they are used to aid echolocation, others say it is for sparring, still others say it is for showing off, like how colonial-era men used to wear short pants and tight socks to better show off their calf muscles when they flexed them in their daily "g'days"

6. The narwhal, alongside what appears to be a pouchless kangaroo with deer horns strapped to its head, graces the Nanavut's coat of arms

7. Buddy the Elf was close friends with Mr. Narwhal

8. Occasionally a male narwhal will sprout two tusks; you can see one displayed at the London Natural History Museum. Even though its kind of creepy, the double tusk phenomenon makes for a really cool photo op

9. A Danish zoologist singlehandedly brought an end to the unicorn legend during a 1638 public lecture, consequently crushing the hearts of kings and small girls worldwide (which is presumably why he is now known as the delightful "Ole Wurm")

10. Narwhals are friendly, sociable whales who deserve to be protected and loved

*For more dets. and a super sweet drawing of a narwhal "size comparison with an average human" please see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narwhals

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