projectile vomit, a tutorial*

1. wake up at a productive hour, say 11 a.m.
2. shuffle about house "organizing"--it's a simple yet effective guise for not doing anything worthwhile like homework, or baking homemade bread for the class treat in the evening, or even catching up on 90210 episodes.
3. decided that the most imperative thing to do would be to whip up homemade tomato sauce for the only box of food you have in your cupboard--a six month old, tattered cardboard receptacle filled with orzo pasta.
4. concoct sauce with the only cans you have: tomatoes, tomato paste, and mushrooms.
5. eat bowl of orzo and tomato sauce.
6. work.
7. get ready to go to class, ignoring all possible signs of food sickness (dizziness, sweaty palms, increased heartbeat, a peculiar churning in the naval area--yes, ignore all of them.)
8. go to class.
9. sit as still and quietly as possible using your mindwaves to tame the storm within. do this as long as you can physically stand it, ideally interspersing the mental game with physical cues identifying the fact that you are a) present b) interested c) synthesizing lecture material.
10. when the saliva starts to pool in your mouth, do the only sane thing: leap off of your bar stool, book it out the door and place yourself strategically on the stairs above the dumpster.
11. using the bar for support, aim in the dumpster's general direction. go to it in all your glory!

*based on an all too true story that happened to me around 3:43 this afternoon. happy vomiting!