1. friendly customer service!!! with their committed and outgoing staff, chinatown bus should be your only choice for travel! the first thing they do when you enter their industrial-chic "space" (colloquially known as a "waiting room") is stare at their fingernails or at a stack of papers! then, after watching you from the corner of their eye for 15 minutes--AND if you show no outward sign of impatience/aggravation/aggression--they will wave a hand at you indicating that you should (wordlessly) slide your reservation paper across the counter! so easy! so fast! why go any other route!?? *TIP: do not look them in the eye or the at the clock! the key is to appear as detached and unemotional as possible!
2. Comfy seats!!! sporting cozy seats decked out in the hottest early 90s geometric trends, you almost forget that you're sitting next to a person three times your body mass (and who conveniently take up 1.75/2 seats!). not to be fooled by the facade of "luxury" first class airplane passengers struggle with whilst lounging in their phat leather reclining Lazy Boys, chinatown's roomy 16" seats come in pairs so that you are 1) never lonely and 2) able to honestly deal with your personal space issues--it's like getting a FREE SHRINK for the price of 1/4 of a seat!!!!
3. awesome passengers!!! who said children should be seen and not heard!?? a few love-starved cynics, that's who! well, never more. on chinatown bus, you will be privy (in such an intimate space) to all of the screeches, yowls, and bodily functions of not 1, not 2, but AT LEAST a dozen small children! not only that, but for the price of your $15 dollar PAIRED SEAT, you will also get to experience ADENOID ORCHESTRAL FOR FREE (more about that later). the real treat is the schizophrenic you'll undoubtedly sit in front of--yes, you know the one! that charming fellow with the vodka bottle, bouts of inexplicable rage, creepy mutterings under his/her breath, and a penchant for yelling at other passengers for no reason other than they tried to use the restroom! SCORE!
4. back of the bus wisdom!!! mourning the loss of your village sage? look no further than chinatown bus! besides creeping out everyone around him, the schizo will dispense pearls of wisdom such as: "you can Be More in B'more, you know?" to which it is customary to nod your head (NOTE: don't make eye contact. whatever you do, DO NOT make eye contact) and say something noncommittal like, "oh?" or "i know." that schizo is the gift that keeps on giving!! *BONUS: if you're really lucky, that same schizophrenic will hover above you waiting for that exact moment when you are about to fall asleep to snap his fingers next to your ears or erupt in a series of sharp smacks, aka "clapping"!!! such a treasure!!
besides all of the previously mentioned amenities, you can look forward to snoring that sounds like a man drowning and caught on fire simultaneously!!! and let's not forget the crates of "juan pedro live frogs" that the workers will pull out by the hundreds after you disembark!!! what more could you want from a bus. think of it: you, 50 people you will soon call your BFFs, the open road... doesn't that smell a little something like bliss? so come on down to chinatown bus, where fun-time never ends and good company never dies!!!!
[note: it feels ridiculously good to be back in DC. for serious.]
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