We Went to Hell in A Handbasket

And I mean that quite literally. Hell, Michigan--AKA, "Michigan's Hysterical Town," lies due north of Ann Arbor. With just four establishments, Hell is teensy. But it makes up for its diminutive size by capitalizing on its name. The city's website, for instance, is called Go To Hell (dot com). A real barrel of laughs, am I right? But wait, there's more: its Post Office/Pizza Parlor sportingly calls itself "Hell in A Handbasket" and has an alarming array of Hell, MI parphanalia, my favorite being the postcard that says "Get over it, Hell froze over!" and a photo of Hell's town sign in the dead of winter decked out in icicles. More hellacious stuff: Hell's ice cream joint goes by "Screamers." The pub, A Dam Site, features a broad assortment of burgers--"made in Hell," naturally. I got the Holy Mess. It was very worth it. But the real kicker is for a mere $100 you can be named Hell's Mayor for the day. I know what Warren is getting for his birthday next year...

The great part about Hell is that it is located in an incredibly charming area. Bucolic farms pepper the landscape, along with quaint stone bridges and tree-lined streets. We stumbled across Jenny's Farm Stand and couldn't resist getting a dozen piping hot pumpkin donuts. I tried to offer some to a few kids who came in but they avoided eye contact while shaking their heads and scurrying away. I suppose I can't blame them. Like Meatloaf, my favorite leather-clad 80s anti-hero, I had just been to Hell and back. 

Unrelated to Hell, we have just been soaking up this fall. Keeping the tradition alive, we had some friends over for a caramel apple party. It was my first time making legit caramel and I have to say, though I was terrified every step of the way that it would not work, it totally did and I will never go back to unwrapping those caramel candies. 

Our friend Janice had a slammin' karaoke/birthday/costume party and we were reunited with some dear friends from Iowa and Utah. Warren and I sang a Taylor Swift duet. It was magical. 

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We Fall For Fall

 

October has treated us well so far. Our ward fall festival was a blast (loved our friends who channeled the Chaplins). Defending our chili title for the second year running, our luscious brisket chili managed a win in the mild division. Warren has been told on several occasions (including his student evaluations) that he looks like Mitchell from Modern Family. As a nod to our favorite show and one of the funniest episodes, Warren decided to capitalize on his ginger-ness. So the most important question of this Halloween season is Who Wore It Better? Mitchell, or Warren? You be the judge! The muscle-y Spidey suits were sold out, much to Warren's dismay.... Oh, and I was Medusa. Gotta love dollar store neon snakes.

Thank you for all your road trip tunes! Such great company for our trip back to Saugatuck. Seriously, this town's adorable downtown can rival Traverse City for the second most charming small town in America. Watch you back, TC, Saugatuck is coming for you. We tried to find a ghost town but our efforts were thwarted. Luckily, the leaves looked gorgeous and we got a Michigan oven mitt (despite my utter hatred of the Michigan hand thing) so it turned out okay. We also stopped by Holland, which is known for its Dutch town and tulip festival. We will definitely be going back in the spring!

We also got to hang out with some Dearborn friends who flew the coop to Muskegon. Every year they host the MSU/Michigan game. Every year it is a house divided--half their friends rooting for Michigan (maybe more than half :) and some stalwarts holding out for MSU. Since I've been watching Friday Night Lights pretty religiously for the past two weeks, watching this game was actually kind of fun. Turns out if you watch 2.5 seasons of a show that has about 5 minutes of football per episode, you'll pick up one or two of the ground rules! Thanks, FNL, for everything. We hope to squeeze in another road trip before the snow sets in but this little trip was just what we needed. What have been your October highlights thus far? 

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Your Favorite Road Trip Songs?

 

I grew up in a suburb of Los Angeles. As with most teenage populations, there was a general consensus in our 'burb that you were pretty much nothing without a car. Like Lloyd Dobler's Malibu in Say Anything, a car was your castle. This is why turning 16 was awesome. Forget Super Sweet Sixteen parties, I finally got my hands on my family's 1989 Buick Royale. So what if I had to turn it on with a screwdriver that I stored under my seat? A car was a car was a car.

Once my friends and I got our licenses, it was a straight shot south on the 101 to Sunset Boulevard where we spent pretty much every weekend rifling through records at Amoeba before going to a show. Though the shows were always awesome--this is where I saw Joe Strummer (of The Clash) and basically every angsty emo band in existence*--I loved the drive into the city. My friends and I sang very loudly and very off key to sparkly 80s Madonna and a lot of Tom Petty. Music, after all, is what makes driving amazing. It's where you can listen to terrible music without being judged. In the car, guilty pleasures reign supreme. No one judged that dude from Office Space when he listened to hardcore rap on his commute even though he was a nerdy white guy. Because we've all been there.

This is all to say that I need your help. Big time. Warren and I are going on a road trip on Saturday and are in dire need of some new tunes. This is where you come in: please, give me some of your driving songs, guilty pleasure or not. Here's one of my favorites:

Also, I did an interview with Land of Gazillion Adoptees. Check it out here!

*Dashboard Confessional, anyone? Saves the Day? What about the Get Up Kids? Aw, such adorable angst!

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Top 5 Things to Do Around Lake St. Clair

About every two weeks or so I make plans for a big move. I generally set my eye on realistic locales such as Sao Paulo or, more recently, Barcelona. Somewhere warm, with a beach, and great seafood. To sate my current bout of wanderlust, I took Warren on a day trip around Lake St. Clair for his birthday. Lake St. Clair is adorable for many reasons but I really love its underdog rally to become the Next Great Lake. For a lake the approximate size of a postage stamp (compared with Lake Superior), this plan takes gumption. I admire that. And it has a point: the lake allows tons of ships to pass from Lake Huron to Lake Eerie and is consequently one of the busiest waterways in the entire world. It's also super pretty. And super close. Here's a peek at our itinerary, should you also need to escape your everyday life--if only for a few hours.

1. Russell Street Deli in Eastern Market. There was no line, shockingly, and we tucked into massive omelets and fresh squeezed orange juice with lightning speed

2. The Edsel Ford House. Lucky for us, the Seven Dwarves and a slew of other Grimm characters were out and about taking in the lovely autumn day. Michigan sure knows how to do fall, I'll give it that. 

Warren loved feeling like a giant in Josephine's playhouse/home of the Seven Dwarves. And yes, this "playhouse" was bigger than our actual house. 

The Edsel Ford House is modeled after the great estates of Cotswald, England, which was fun to see after reading about a million bad romance novels that take place in that region. It happened to be freezing the day we visited, but we braved a tour of the grounds and learned that the gardener fell into the pool while cleaning it the day before. Bless his heart. 

3. Ferry to Harsen's Island, i.e.: my coup de grace! While the entire day's plans were a surprise to Warren, this was by far the best and coolest one. Sure, the ferry takes about two minutes but it is awesome.

4. Schoolhouse Grille. The whole island is filled with charming marshy landscapes and summer homes. While there's not much for visitors to do, the island does have a delicious restaurant in a former schoolhouse. Get "The Farmhand" and you will not be disappointed! Then drive to the island's southernmost tip to watch a bunch of crazy people don wetsuits and brave the frigid water. 

5. Morley Candy Factory. Home of Michigan's famed Sanders hot fudge sauce! This place does not mess around. On weekdays you can watch the factory in action. 

It's the kind of place that would make Lucy and Ethel proud.

And that's how it's done--happy birthday, Warren! Sorry I didn't make you a ten pound cake again...but you made up for it by making 6 pans of cinnamon rolls. 

 

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6 Reasons to Love or Loathe Mondays: A graph

Much to my dismay, I never wake up on Monday mornings feeling like P Diddy (Ke$ha LIES, people); in fact, every Monday in recent memory I have woken up feeling like my life will never be happy again. Because I have to go to work. Once I get to work, I usually query Trish with encouraging gchats such as:

me: why does monday always have to be so hard?

To which she is obliged to give me the cold, hard truth:

Patricia: because life is hard.  and cruel.  and then we die.

Today has been a particularly hard Monday because I stayed up all night reading Heaven is Here (thanks a lot, Julie :) and I can't breathe through my nose due to a head cold. So not only have I become a creepy mouth-breather, but I am also at work. On a Monday. It's been rough, needless to say. Upon Trish's request, I created a graph that charted out my emotional highs and lows of the morning:

Why I love Monday: 1) I ate leftover garlic pumpkin knots (happy as a hedgehog) 2) I drowned my sorrows in Hulu and 3) I pilfered chocolate from my desk stash. However, each high was punctuated by the terrible low of the stone cold fact that it is, irrevocably, Monday. These lows were supposed to be depicted by Arrested Development animated gifs that did not animate in my graph (yet another Monday Low on my Roller Coaster of Emotions). Why I loathe Monday: 1) It is Monday 2) I am sick and 3) It is Monday, I am sick, and one day everyone is going to die.

To have the full saturation of my Monday Blues, check them out here:

9:31 Gif
9:39 Gif
9:45 Gif

I have been awfully productive today, as you can see. How do you get through Mondays? Because there has got to be a better way!

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A Song For Autumn

Friends, it is officially autumn and I have a gallon of hot cider to prove it (topped with Cool Whip's amazing cinnamon awesomeness, naturally). So to celebrate, here's one of my favorite front stoop moments of all time, recorded on the first day of autumn 3 years ago. The mastermind behind this group Ingrid Michaelson sing-a-long is my favorite pal, Trish. She is so obsessed with fall that she has an annual party just to welcome the season in style, which I totally approve. What is your favorite part about fall? Freshly sharpened pencils? Sweaters? Pumpkin-flavored everything? All of the above (YES!)?

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Saturday Fail, Dark Sky Magazine Win!

Saturday, AKA: the best day of the week, is typically pure bliss. I usually sleep in while Warren plays basketball. But a few Saturdays ago, I was rudely awakened from my sweet slumber by a phone call. It was Warren who said something articulate like: "Uh, hey, I'm driving to the emergency room..."Because his finger looked like this:

Which doesn't look that bad, but here's what it looked like on the inside (ouch):

During his five hour emergency room stay, we did a lot of this:

Yep, we waited five hours for the doctor to take 0.3 seconds to put the finger back into place. About three hours in, I told Warren I would watch a YouTube tutorial and do the job myself and get us out of there no problem. Warren, oddly, declined my generous offer. So the true test of friendship: have you ever fixed someone's dislocated joint (or other injury)?

In other news, Dark Sky Magazine's very sad, very sudden last issue is graciously being hosted by the esteemed Barrelhouse Magazine. Barrelhouse is being a true prince in the hard knock world of literary magazines. DSM's Gabe Durham and company really knocked the issue out of the park. I am honored to be part of this farewell issue, alongside such wonders as Kristina Marie Darling's "Footnotes to a History of Correspondence."  Take a looksy over here.

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Top 5 Things to Do in Paradise

Fact: the photo below was not taken in some tropical paradise, even though it looks like one. Yes, friends, we went to the very exotic destination known as "America" for our summer vacation--Michigan's Upper Peninsula, to be exact. Once known for its booming copper mines, the UP (pronounced "you" "pee"--har har) is now riddled with ghost towns and shipwrecks. However, its utter isolation is actually one of its best features, as far as tourism goes. It is just one gorgeous white sand beach strewn after another.

 

Here are a few things to remember if you find yourself heading across Big Mac, the super long and kind of freaky Mackinac Bridge, to see the magic that is the UP.

1. You gotta stay in a town literally called "Paradise" and watch the moon rise. If time permits, wake early to watch the sunrise while Lake Superior gently laps at your feet. We relived our sunrise engagement, naturally :)

2. Drive to the end of the road to the Shipwreck Museum and take a long walk on the lovely driftwood beach.

3. Climb to the top of a dune. Marvel at the pristine blue of Lake Superior. I mean, really marvel here. How does this even exist? And why didn't I know about it before I moved to Michigan?

4. Take a leisurely boat ride through Pictured Rocks national lakeshore. Note "Indian Chief Rock." And the waterfall. And the amazing chemical reactions that produce the painterly strokes across the sandstone cliffs.

5. Decide to never leave, until you have to, then dream about returning pretty much every moment of your life back in the Lower Peninsula. Some fun facts: Yoopers (Upper Peninsula natives) call those who live below Mackinac Bridge "trolls." Hilarious. And no relation to Troll Village. Also, tourists who go to the UP for fudge are called "fudgies" (and yes, the fudge is divine). With this trip, we successfully completed #13 of our 101 Things list! Score!

This trip was one of the absolute highlights of our Pretty Cool Summer. What about you? How did you spend your summer vacation? Or, if you were stuck at home, where would you spend your dream vacation? 

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HOW TO MAKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WRITING FLUFF

1. Research "The Market"

2. Discover that the New York Times bestsellers list is consistently topped by inspirational animal books like Dewey the Library Cat: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World AND its hit sequel, Dewey's Nine Lives: The Legacy of a Small-Town Library Cat Who Inspired Millions. 

3. Bemoan the world that allowed these books to make millions of dollars because they had large photos of cuddly animals on their covers.

4. Have an A-Ha! Moment: Must write a nonfiction book that stars a cuddly critter doing inspiring things in the human world, thus bringing Mini Donkeys Take Manhattan to life.

5. Make a fellow MFA alum pretend to write above fake book with you and create an accompanying fake book cover and fake book blurb. It's just so crazy that it might work!

Thus, I present to you what has been at least three years in the making, a sure fire plan that will rake in the moolah in no time flat. I mean, just take a look at the future book cover. It's fail proof!

"Just when everyone, including every MFA graduate in existence, thought that an MFA in nonfiction writing was useless, this sparkling, poignant, debut emerges from the ashes to change your attitude, your life, and--yes-- even the world: MINI DONKEYS TAKE MANHATTAN.

Written by two gifted alumni of the University of Iowa's Nonfiction Writing Program, Lina F. (originally from Argentina) and Amy S., this moving collection of photo essays documents a herd of mini donkeys as they navigate the cruel, cold streets of Manhattan. 

Follow young Cupcake, Sprinkles, and Fred, as they lead their innocent herd to famed sights, such as the Empire State Building, Chinatown, and Central Park. As you watch them nibble on treats from Magnolia Bakery and scamper in the autumnal landscape of the city's parks, your heart will melt and you will understand the precious, fragile, vulnerable, essential beauty of the human--and animal--condition: a beating heart."

You're so in, am I right? So, if you could make your millions by writing an inspirational animal book such as Dewey the Library Cat or Mini Donkeys Take Manhattan, what would be your animal and how would it inspire the world?

*Fake book inspired by and dedicated to Sunbun, the cutest mini donkey I know.

**THIS JUST IN: MERYL STREEP IS GOING TO STAR IN THE DEWEY MOVIE!!!!! Best tip ever from Kendra. Meryl Streep, people! Seriously.

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Top 3 Most Underwhelming Roadside Attractions

I will understand if you can no longer bear to be my friend after skimming through this post. As a warning to the fainthearted, I may come across as heartless or even, quite possibly, un-American. But keep in mind that my excitement leading up to seeing all three of these sites rivaled only that of Kristin Bell's sloth meltdown, with the significant difference being that my excitement did not result in cuddling with a sloth. Also, as you read, try to conjure up your most disappointing encounter with an American treasure. There will be ample time to share. 

3. Troll Village, Wisconsin.

Here's the thing: The Village of Mt. Horeb is absolutely darling. Gingerbread houses, covered pavilions, general Midwest niceties every which way. But if you're going to call yourself "The Troll Capital of the World" and have a literal Trollway (aka, Main Street), I need you to really troll yourself up. For instance: toll trolls, under the bridge trolls, a bevy of troll dolls doing people things in a model town exhibited at the local museum--and I'm just spitballing here... But Mt. Horeb's troll village is basically just a few artfully placed wooden trolls. Yes, they are adorable and greet you in front of the major municipal buildings and adorn signage. But, and perhaps my expectations were too high, Troll Town, USA really let me down. It didn't help that I was expecting something more along the lines of this:

Magical Super Trolls! A thing to note: "Horeb" may mean either "glowing/heat" or "desolation as after a mighty battle." Discuss.

2. Wall Drug, South Dakota.

Charming billboards that lined the what seemed like 3,000 miles of South Dakota aside, Wall Drug was just, well, lame. A frontier shopping mall. A place where traveling folks may stop for a free glass of water, or five cent coffee. It was purchased by a man named Ted Hustead in 1931. Mr. Hustead bought it mainly because of its main attraction: "It was in the middle of nowhere." He wondered why business was so slow. Then his wife, Dorothy, a budding entrepreneur herself, said why not advertise free ice water to the tourists making their journey to Mt. Rushmore, a recently opened tourist trap 60 miles west of Wall Drug. Business began to boom and Wall Drug installed 500 miles worth of self-promoting billboards and the rest is history. They also have a giant jackalope, which should have astounded us but sadly, after 500 miles of Wall Drug anticipation, we were left annoyed and underwhelmed. Sorry, Wall Drug, you are so not, as you overzealously claim, "America's favorite Roadside Attraction," at least not in my book. 

1. [Drum roll please....] Mount Rushmore!



GASP! I know, right? How can you be underwhelmed by a massive granite sculpture of not one, not two, but FOUR presidential heads of state? Did I mention that it's on the side of a mountain? And each face stands 60 feet high? Impressive, for sure. But why did it have to look so small from way down on the ground? And, more importantly, where was the vault? I was ruined by the movie Richie Rich, and the tantalizing mountain chase across the family vault, Mount RICHMORE. Get it?? "Man, it must be COOL to have everything!" One day, Mount Rushmore, maybe you will be as cool as Young Richie. Now, friend, do tell me your worst or most underwhelming encounter with the world's vast treasures.

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The Cherry on Top

So it's decided: Warren and I are going to move to Sleeping Bear Dunes and open a B&B called "The Cherry on Top" (because MI's lower peninsula is obsessed with cherries). We're going to build it on this tree-filled hill that overlooks Lake Michigan and the glowy, lovely dunes. Don't worry, there will be a zip line through the forest to the lake and hearty breakfasts and desserts topped with cheerful maraschino cherries. This, of course, is how we'll make our millions. Oh, and it will also be a writer's retreat! But until that dream becomes a reality, we'll have to settle on reliving the magic through photos.

The second my dear friend Kendra said she was coming to visit, I started Googling like a mad woman, which is how I stumbled across The Cherry Hut. First of all: ADORABLE!! Second of all, it has a mascot! Cherry Jerry! And yes, I would vote for him for president.

Next, we hopped into a canoe and paddled (well, mostly Warren and Kendra paddled, I lounged :) out to Lake Michigan. I mean, really? Does it have to be so ridiculously beautiful? We could have stayed there forever. We also saw what we think was a muskrat. Though it might have been an otter. 

Or a water-loving ferret.

But the most spectacular view of the Lake happened during the scenic drive. It felt like we were perched on the end of the world sitting on top of that dune. It dropped in a sandy cliff 400+ feet (essentially, a 40 story building) to the lake below. Warren decided the best idea would be to scamper down those 400+ feet. It took him 30 minutes to climb back up but was well worth it. 

We saw the Warning sign a tad too late...oops!

Yes, Good Morning America, this really is "The Most Beautiful Place in America" (caveat: if you've never been outside of the Midwest). But it is truly stunning.

Oh, and we also saw the world's largest cherry pie pan in Traverse City. Warren was super pumped. 

More on the magic of Kendra's visit later!

*PS: This trip let us sail right through two items on our 101 Things in a 1001 Days!

1     14.   Visit Lake Michigan beaches       

15.   Explore Sleeping Bear Dunes   

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Karaoke Win

According to my extensive Wikipedia research, there are 35,684 "song rooms"--or private karaoke rooms--currently operating in South Korea. Everyday 1.9 million Koreans sing their hearts out to a room of their nearest and dearest. In Ann Arbor, Michigan, there are currently two operating song rooms visited by at least four people in a given night. And yes, those four people were me and three friends. 

Stephanie's sole (to my knowledge) birthday wish for her celebratory girls' night out was to karaoke for the first time. Her wish was my command...

...if by "karaoke" she meant to gather in a tiny private room above a nondescript Korean cafe while belting out terrible (by which I mean awesome) songs as song lyrics bounced along a flat screen TV that simultaneously broadcast a series of tragic Korean dramas that were completely at odds with our cheerful karaoke songs. In short, it was amazing. 

 Let's just say that there was a tambourine involved. And diva hands.

  And yes, even the Macarena. 

Well done team, well done. We discovered that the best karaoke song of the evening was, hands down, "That Thing You Do" (I dare you not to sing along to that, so catchy!). We even scored a 99/100 on that one (this karaoke place scores how well you do on each song, Rock Band-style). Have you ever been karaoke'ing? If so, what is your go-to song? My shortlist = Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" or Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline."

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The Ultimate Fail

This weekend we went on Warren's idea of the The Best Date in the History of Dates, i.e.: a professional ultimate frisbee game. Yes, folks, you heard me. Professional Ultimate Frisbee. Though it may sound like an oxymoron to many, to Warren it was paradise, as proven by the following photo where he has become possessed by Ultimate fanaticism:

Now I have nothing against Ultimate, per se, but I do think it's kind of ridiculous, generally speaking. Warren, on the other hand, could not stop advertising the fact that we were going to a "pro game" to pretty much everyone we spoke to. Of the 25 odd people he invited to the "pro game," a whopping 0 accompanied us. We pulled up to the Silverdome, former host of the Detroit Lions, Pistons, and an N*Sync concert back in the day, and discovered that it bore an uncanny resemblance to the abadoned lots peppered throughout Detroit. Welcome home, Ultimate Frisbee fans, welcome home. 

 Because of the few cars, the weed-infested pavement, and general look of disrepair, we thought that we had a) arrived at the wrong venue b) arrived on the wrong date. Turns out we were wrong on both counts. Indeed, we were right where we belonged. Strolling into the cavernous stadium, we were greeted by a sea of empty seats. In its heyday, the dome accomodated literally 80,000+ fans. Now, as the official home of the Detroit Mechanix Ultimate team, it comfortably sat about 50. 

I'm sorry to say that the losses were abundant at this "pro game," not the least of which included the Mechanix's ultimate loss at the hands of their Kentucky rivals, the Bluegrass Revolution. But there were also the "professional" cheerleaders to take into consideration, who put on a halftime show of about two and half minutes to the Footloose theme song. Impressive. 

The sole win of the evening? Meeting Rusty the Wrench, the Mechanix's mascot (naturally). Oh, and I also got some French fries and saw a guy that looked strikingly like my little brother (front of the line):

Thanks, Rusty! But at least Warren left a very happy camper. And we can cross "pro ultimate game" off of our bucket list. Just in time too, as this was the last game of the season (and, from the unfortunate looks of things, the last of the league's short-lived existence). Go, Mechanix!

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