I will understand if you can no longer bear to be my friend after skimming through this post. As a warning to the fainthearted, I may come across as heartless or even, quite possibly, un-American. But keep in mind that my excitement leading up to seeing all three of these sites rivaled only that of Kristin Bell's sloth meltdown, with the significant difference being that my excitement did not result in cuddling with a sloth. Also, as you read, try to conjure up your most disappointing encounter with an American treasure. There will be ample time to share.
Here's the thing: The Village of Mt. Horeb is absolutely darling. Gingerbread houses, covered pavilions, general Midwest niceties every which way. But if you're going to call yourself "The Troll Capital of the World" and have a literal Trollway (aka, Main Street), I need you to really troll yourself up. For instance: toll trolls, under the bridge trolls, a bevy of troll dolls doing people things in a model town exhibited at the local museum--and I'm just spitballing here... But Mt. Horeb's troll village is basically just a few artfully placed wooden trolls. Yes, they are adorable and greet you in front of the major municipal buildings and adorn signage. But, and perhaps my expectations were too high, Troll Town, USA really let me down. It didn't help that I was expecting something more along the lines of this:
Magical Super Trolls! A thing to note: "Horeb" may mean either "glowing/heat" or "desolation as after a mighty battle." Discuss.
2. Wall Drug, South Dakota.
Charming billboards that lined the what seemed like 3,000 miles of South Dakota aside, Wall Drug was just, well, lame. A frontier shopping mall. A place where traveling folks may stop for a free glass of water, or five cent coffee. It was purchased by a man named Ted Hustead in 1931. Mr. Hustead bought it mainly because of its main attraction: "It was in the middle of nowhere." He wondered why business was so slow. Then his wife, Dorothy, a budding entrepreneur herself, said why not advertise free ice water to the tourists making their journey to Mt. Rushmore, a recently opened tourist trap 60 miles west of Wall Drug. Business began to boom and Wall Drug installed 500 miles worth of self-promoting billboards and the rest is history. They also have a giant jackalope, which should have astounded us but sadly, after 500 miles of Wall Drug anticipation, we were left annoyed and underwhelmed. Sorry, Wall Drug, you are so not, as you overzealously claim, "America's favorite Roadside Attraction," at least not in my book.
GASP! I know, right? How can you be underwhelmed by a massive granite sculpture of not one, not two, but FOUR presidential heads of state? Did I mention that it's on the side of a mountain? And each face stands 60 feet high? Impressive, for sure. But why did it have to look so small from way down on the ground? And, more importantly, where was the vault? I was ruined by the movie Richie Rich, and the tantalizing mountain chase across the family vault, Mount RICHMORE. Get it?? "Man, it must be COOL to have everything!" One day, Mount Rushmore, maybe you will be as cool as Young Richie. Now, friend, do tell me your worst or most underwhelming encounter with the world's vast treasures.
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